Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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