I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
