I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
