May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
