we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
