I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
