he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
