A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
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