Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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