then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
