We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
