there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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