She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
