WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
