Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
