I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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