I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I think my fart just growled at me.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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