Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
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So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
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fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize