hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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