You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
