She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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