Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
whose ass print is on the piano?
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Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
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I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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