Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
