who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
