We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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