I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
