Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
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It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
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you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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