just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize