Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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