STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
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