the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Randomize
