I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
