i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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