john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
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your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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