i was rollin on her like bob the builder
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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