Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
