I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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