Having a random hookup so left but love u
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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