I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
