I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
