That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
