So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
