I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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