hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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