is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
