Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
