I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
