remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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