These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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