I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Randomize
