Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
