Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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