we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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