You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
now i know why i became what i already was.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
