I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
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