sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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