can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
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If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
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If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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